Secret parking lots discovered underneath UWT

1000 stalls of parking have been found under the UW Tacoma campus. The stalls, located directly underneath the Mattress Factory and the Harmon Restaurant, were uncovered after finals week when a student — who was distressed about their final exam score — wandered around campus and fell into the underground cavern which housed the lots.

According to officials, the lots were originally created for student use, but were accidentally sealed with cement and concrete before the university opened. However, unbeknownst to even UW leadership, faculty members have been using them for years.

Several students and staff members expressed their outrage after learning about the lots.

“I can’t believe I never knew about this!” said Johnny Corn, a senior majoring in Sleeping Studies. “I mean, 1000 lots is a crazy amount of space. Why would our professors keep something like this from us? If everyone had known about this when I started here, there wouldn’t be any parking conflicts!”

Though all faculty found guilty have denied requests for comments, they will be making a public apology on April 32 in William W. Philip Hall, which the entire UWT community is invited to attend. There will also be an opportunity for students to release their anger at several events that will include food fights, wrestling matches and whac-a-mole.

While the lots are still being inspected for safety reasons, Parking-Mania Addict, the director of parking at UWT, believes that the stalls could be a solution to the parking crisis on campus.

“There’s a lot of things we could do with this,” said Addict. “This comes at such an opportune time. With these new lots we could finally get students to stop complaining. Because there is so much space, we could probably even add an amusement park down there!

If all goes well, students may be able to use the lots beginning April 1 of the 2099–2100 school year.

No just kidding, there really isn’t any secret parking lots. Happy April Fool’s!