The unspoken language of friendship

What begins as a joke could be hiding something more meaningful, with some bonds being built by jabs and punchlines.

By J.A. Aleman

An interesting meme has been circulating social media saying a new study reveals that friends who playfully insult each other are 300% more honest and loyal. Don’t bother looking for the study, because it’s nowhere to be found. 

This didn’t stop me from researching the topic further because it has to do with relationships. Those that have been following my writing career would know I am curious about the human condition and this is very human. 

Looking to my own relationships, I saw that the meme has some truth in it, though I don’t know how it started. 

I don’t think we need a study to find that being honest and having open communication is a vital part of friendship and this can build a lifelong bond. The part of playfully insulting friends sounds as if it could be crossing a line, but that’s where the humor comes into play. I’m of the mind that no one should take themselves too seriously. 

We might have success in our life and live our dream or hold very important positions, but that doesn’t mean we are a different person or change where we come from. Let’s face it, many of us do certain things that we may deserve to be made fun of for. 

Right now, my kids have this trend with their friends where they make fun of each other when their voice cracks. Someone going through puberty can’t help that but it’s still funny when it happens. The line is drawn when we look to destroy someone with our words, as that’s no longer playful. 

“I think it takes time to get to know people,” said UWT student Kaylah Bonner. “In getting to know people you get to know their insecurities, so as soon as you understand, don’t touch that, don’t talk about it, don’t allude to it. I don’t want you to feel anymore insecure.” 

Bonner added, “people can be the root of other people’s insecurities. There are things that have been brought to me, and it was never an issue until somebody made it an issue.” 

Some people can take it more than others though. Some people grew up roasting their friends and vice versa over something they said or did.  

There are also people who are jokesters and that’s how they live their life, because it can start a conversation and can help with social anxiety. That’s why speeches normally start with a joke. 

“That’s my love language,” said Nestor Cruz, a student at Western Washington University. 

There was a study done by Science Direct and the study explored if best friends have similar humor during adolescence and if a young person’s humor is shaped by their best friends. The study revealed that one out of four types of humor makes for lasting friendships and that was the affiliate type. 

The other types of humor were self-enhancing, or maintaining a humorous outlook, aggressive behavior including teasing or sarcasm and self-defeating behavior. The results show that perhaps people de-select friends who use this type of humor. 

Feeling included is something everyone wants. Still, playful teasing amongst friends is not always a bad thing. 

“It’s like rough housing,” said Cruz. “It’s a sign of brotherhood and sisterhood. It shows that you’re comfortable to acknowledge somebody’s flaws, poke fun at them, and let somebody know, I know these are your flaws, but I still care about you. Having it done back to you relieves the tension and the need to hide those flaws. Everything is exposed.” 

All of these humor types take shape in relationships at certain times. There is no dominant one, but ultimately what makes a friendship last is honesty. 

This is very different from hazing, and I want to make that clear. Hazing has to do with humiliating a person while teasing can work as an icebreaker on the humorous side of relationships. 

When it comes to gender, according to Psychology Today, women want intimacy and an emotional connection in friendships while men tend to value shared activities. 

This doesn’t mean that men cannot share problems with one another or ask for advice when looking for emotional support.  

It shows that men often move on from one activity to the next. One moment we’re talking about sports, the next politics, then religion, then family, then our problems and all throughout it we’re making fun of each other. 

Laughing at ourselves is better than crying about something we can’t control. If we learn this early on, we can take ownership of our lives and no one can bring us down no matter what they say. 

I remember every ground shattering roast directed at me and every joke that just made my friends stop in their tracks. All I or they could do at the time was wait until our friends who love us stopped laughing. This sounds horrible, but I think the teasing made us stronger and gave us a deeper bond, not just one that might break because of some sort of disagreement.