Requiem for an Xbox 360

The GameStop clerk looked at me funny when I purchased “Dead or Alive Xtreme 2,” sequel to “Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball,” along with you.  I didn’t cringe when the clerk eyed the video game box art of sexy bikini-clad digital women.  

When my friend had brought his Xbox 360 to CSULB Anime Club and showed the trailer of “DOAX2” displaying Kasumi frolicking on a sandy shore, her orange-red hair waving, I said to myself, “I’m getting an Xbox 360!”  And so I bought you on November 13, 2006, the day “DOAX2” came out, not caring that I purchased a game notoriously reputed only for its “independent breast physics.”

Grades slipped from good to barely satisfactory as you kept me entertained late into the night, until hearing morning birds chirp as my thumbs continued to busy themselves.  Lots of great games we played: “Red Dead Redemption,” “Devil May Cry HD Collection,” “Call of Duty: World at War,” “Grand Theft Auto IV,” “Gears of War 2,” and “Rumble Roses XX” just to name a few.  (Yes, I said “Rumble Roses!”)

And then I connected you to Xbox Live.  We made so many friends online.  You introduced me to people from England, Italy, Japan, Spain, and Taiwan playing “Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis.”  It was like “Pen Pal 2.0.”  We encountered rascals who muttered colorful profanities when I spammed Jann Lee’s Dragon Elbow in “Dead or Alive 4” or picked Ken in “Street Fighter IV.”  My, were they funny.

But you became ill.  We survived two “Red Rings of Death.”  As time passed, the screen on the TV froze– first infrequently, then constantly.  The troubleshooting guide on Xbox’s website provided no solutions.  The fan on your back radiated angrily.  I should not have pushed you to your limit.

You died on August 26, 2013.  While playing “Dead or Alive 5,” a screen popped up saying that the game data was damaged and that the game had to be restarted.  When the game tried to restart, it crashed. Polygons sprouted like polyps on the screen.

Your death really, really sucks.  And the timing’s just great with “Dead or Alive 5 Ultimate” and “Grand Theft Auto V” now out.