Opinion

Beyond the Breadwinner: Redefining Success

Rising numbers of young adults living with parents spark questions about purpose, progress and their potential. 

By: J.A. Aleman

Society and personal pressures are shaping the way new generations think, particularly as traditional roles for both men and women are being redefined. However, instead of following what society deems worthy, we ought to shape our roles around our own priorities and values. 

According to the U.S. Census Bureau in 2022, 19% of men between the ages of 25 to 35 were living with their parents compared to 12% of women. The percentages have this reporter flabbergasted because not long ago, I recall being a young man trying to make it on my own. 

I was once there and it breaks my heart to see young men not living up to their potential. Lower confidence levels or economic hardships hold them back, along with the way they see themselves because of societal changes. 

I decided to investigate this further and found out from the Statista website that in 2023, 18% of men between the ages of 25 to 34 were more likely to live with their parents while 11% of women were likely to do the same. 

What first intrigued me about this subject was an article in the Wall Street Journal by Rachel Wolfe published this past September. Wolfe reveals that after the pandemic, men felt a lack of purpose and felt more isolated, meanwhile a higher percentage of women were entering the workforce as the men’s percentage over the last decade has not grown.  

Man in despair covering his face and a busy woman doing business.  Source: J.A. Aleman

It surprised me that while women are becoming bolder in the workplace and can obtain higher levels of success in their careers, men are falling behind when they shouldn’t be. I had thought that those numbers would even out due to both genders having equal opportunities, and on a more personal level the hope for equal outcomes for my children’s futures, as I watch my son and daughter grow into young adults. 

People between the ages of 25 to 33 face quarter-life crises because periods of transitions occur such as leaving school and facing the real world, according to an article by the National Library of Medicine.  

There is always the possibility of failing when you’re trying to be successful. That is a fear most people have, but that is precisely the reason why we should all try anyway. If we are guided by fear, then we defeat ourselves. 

Life is not free of failure or struggle and sometimes it feels as though we face more failures than success. If you believe in destiny then maybe it was meant to be. As a Christian I believe that God opens and closes doors for us, ultimately leading us to where we can flourish and be of benefit to those around us. 

I remember living with my mom when I was 21 but I had 2 jobs, a car, I worked out, had a social life and was even alright being on my own. After that, my mom convinced me to buy a house with her and since I had no intention of getting married, I agreed.  

However, shortly after I met the woman who is now my wife, and we have built a life together for the last 14 years. We lived with my mom for a short time after our first child was born but we knew we needed our own space. We bought a house of our own when I was 24, and together we faced life on our own for the first time.    

My wife and child motivated me to get out on my own, but what about the single guy? Why doesn’t he have any motivation? Living with your parents doesn’t always mean you should get up at 1 p.m., don’t shower and play video games until you fall back asleep. This means you haven’t decided what to do with your life. 

“It was like a switch in society that women started to realize they want to start building themselves up and then when men started seeing that, oh they don’t really need someone to rely on anymore,” said Alla, freshman at UWT, when asked about why men could be falling behind today. “I’ve seen men pursuing school only to be able to provide for themselves and their future families. That’s what drives their success.” 

Even if men have this underlying drive to be a provider, I still see that not desiring success for oneself is a foolish endeavor. It’s like someone putting their life on hold and that’s not really living. 

“Everybody should be doing their best to just be the best version of themselves,” said Matt, a Senior at UWT. 

I couldn’t agree more with Matt. 

When our first child was born, my wife and I had to decide who would go to school. She attended first and eventually I would follow when the time was right. I became a stay-at-home dad in my early to mid-20s and found the motivation and the drive to succeed by being the best dad and husband I could be. 

Woman tenderly embracing double minded man. Image by: Karla Pastrana

I felt pressure from family, friends and even my culture that I wasn’t a real man. I was taking care of my responsibilities, primarily my family. My wife went to a trade school and graduated to become a dental assistant in a year. After that she found employment and started building her career. I wanted to see her succeed because that would mean our family would succeed, so I never had an issue being there for my children no matter what anyone had to say about it. 

I was with my children while they were in diapers, and I don’t regret one moment of it. My wife is now successful, and my children are able to see that I’m going to school, working and I’m still being a husband and father.  

The nuclear dad was never really a thing to me. It’s always been spouses understanding and being willing to do what it takes to pull their family upward through the struggles.  

If Alla is right when she says men seem to find themselves in this place where they feel useless because they can’t be providers, then perhaps the question is, do we have to change how we look at what providing means?  Do we define it as money outright or is it simply providing what our family needs? 

“I’m all for equal opportunity,” Connor, Senior at UWT said. “Maybe if I’m not the main provider for my household that’s fine. As long as I have one that works.” 

Whether we are single or have a family, we have to keep building ourselves every day. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. That doesn’t mean we are weaker than others, that just means we’re different. It’s what we do with our strengths that matters. 

Being married was never the plan for my life, but that was the door God opened for me. What I wanted was to get a good job and to have everything I needed. I was willing to work hard to obtain it. It hasn’t been easy, but the feeling I get when I see my babies’ faces, my wife winning and my own growth made the struggle worth it. 

Some of us tackle life a little slower than others, but sometimes we don’t start at all because we feel we don’t deserve any better. I started feeling this way when it seemed the window for me to go to school and get a career was closing in on me. Back then, I had decided just to be a dad and husband. 

One day I woke up and I didn’t feel like myself, which was not alright with me. Even my wife noticed this change and encouraged me to pursue my goals, reminding me of what we have built together. 

My life started because I was building a home with my wife, and fortunately for me it was just my career that was on hold. I started attending college and pursued a way to get paid to be doing what I love, which is reading and writing. 

It’s really easy to convince ourselves we don’t deserve anything and to judge ourselves as second-class citizens. During my first quarter at college, the pandemic started, so we finished the quarter at home. I was disappointed, but not discouraged, as I continued my studies in an effort to grow every day as a writer. 

We can’t measure our worth by what we bring to the table. We measure our worth on who we are and that will ultimately reveal what we provide to those around us.