Satire: The hottest presidents 2: Electric boogaloo

After meticulously seeking out the 10 sexiest presidents in American history, there still remained a hole in my heart. Domestic life wasn’t cutting it, so I am going to dive into the five sexiest foreign presidents.

RODRIGO DUTERTE

The president of the Philippines was not previously referred to as the “punisher mayor” for no reason. Amongst the modern world leaders, Duterte is the most dominant in bed. His punishment comes in the form of BDSM and role play. He is the ul­timate bad boy. Sadly, he never takes responsibility for his own actions. Just as he pardoned himself for mur­der, he will surely pardon himself after he wrongs you.

ILHAM ALIYEV

A hippie’s wet dream. He has con­sistently pushed environmental pol­icies during his time in office in Azerbaijan. According to The Min­istry of Transport, Communications and High Technologies of the Repub­lic of Azerbaijan, Aliyev established the Ganja branch of Azerbaijan Na­tional Academy of Sciences. A pot-friendly president is hard to come by.

Wait, what do you mean Ganja is just a city?

GEORGE WEAH

George Weah is a sexy, sexy man. Before becoming the president of Li­beria, he was a professional soccer player. Mmm… Since then, however, he has set up academies to help struggling nations, and has even become a UN Goodwill Ambassador. Few things are sexier than a humanitarian.

XI JINPING

Xi Jinping, the president of China, isn’t referred to as Winnie the Pooh for no reason. He is the man every mother wants for their daughter. He is a happy, cuddly man. Xi Jinping is so in touch with his emotions that he is often mistaken for a bear. He would have placed first if he weren’t so in­secure. He was so afraid of China leaving him that he pushed for, and obtained, a removal of all term limits.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Who could possibly beat Vladimir Putin? He is always a top. He oozes both a refined dignity and a primal masculinity. No one else takes care of you like Vladimir. He is always Putin out in the bedroom. Of course, he has never been fond of sharing — he will annex your side of the bed in a heartbeat. Despite this, the lyrics of the Russian song “A Man like Pu­tin” says it all. Putin is a man of strength who will treat you right and never be a drunkard.