Satire: Prepare for the turkey apocalypse

Year after year, America holds a sacred ritual. Our divine leader — the president — pardons one turkey, while the nation slaughters turkeys en masse. We have long seen it as sufficient enough, sparing an individual to appease the turkey people, all so that we might avoid a revolt.

It’s too late now. As a society, we have grown far too complacent. Now, the pardoned turkeys have gathered together. Their resources have coalesced into a military force powerful enough to put most nations in their place. The turkeys are lurking in the shadows. The ancient prophecies foretold what is rapidly approaching us. We should have known that pardoning turkeys would not suffice. Three days after refusing to slaughter and eat the turkey presented to him, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. That is no mere coincidence. We ignored the omens, and now the Gobbling is upon us.

The Gobbling is a threat the like of which our nation has never before faced. It is likely to result in a veritable apocalypse. Next year, when Americans are saying thanks for another year’s harvest, the turkeys will begin harvesting human organs. Americans will be thankful for their families, all the while turkeys will avenge their fallen brethren.

The leader of the underground turkey rebellion is ruthless. He lost his entire family in the Thanksgiving Massacre of 2011. His real name is unknown, but has received a moniker due to his vicious attacks on humans, in which he tears their stomachs open: the Disemfowler. His rhetoric and violence inspired his rise to leadership.

By the time the U.S. military would be capable of mobilizing a force powerful enough to hold off the Gobbling, we will have already lost New York City and Washington D.C. Even if we manage to push back the onslaught of their forces, we will be unable to entirely wipe them out. We will be lucky to kill enough to end the war at all. Peace within our borders will end Thanksgiving 2018. After that day, our country will never be the same.


Lucas Waggoner

Lucas is a PPE major in University of Washington Tacoma, and he is graduating with a Bachelor's in philosophy. His primary interests are philosophy, politics, and law. He is currently working as a teacher at a secondary school while preparing to attend law school immediately following graduation.