Satire: Who’s hot and who’s not


Millard Fillmore looks like Alec Bald­win, I guess.


Ronald Reagan was a gorgeous actor, which would normally land a leader way higher on this kind of list. However, most Americans did not appreciate being trick­led down on.


Next is Richard Nixon. For some reason, he’s been given a bad rap. Say what you will about the wiretapping: it does prove that he was a good listener. At least he was willing to wiretap dat ass, even when no one else was. Nixon was also the first American president to make tapes. Now we live in an era that is more sexually liberated, and less sensitive about such banal scandals. Lastly, he helped invent a phenomenal sex move: the tricky dick. Nixon’s hot enough that I don’t mind, even if he is a crook.


Ulysses S. Grant might seem at first glance to be a strange addition, but he more than earned his place. He’s that kind of guy who may or may not be per­petually drunk. But for some reason, that gives him this raw, primal sexuality which is undeniable.


Theodore Roosevelt earned his spot for a plethora of reasons. First, he holds the title of “cuddliest president in Amer­ican history.” Who doesn’t like a good cuddler? In addition, he was a hunter and a wrestler, and started our country’s first national park. All-in-all, Teddy was a man to remember.


George Washington might not be hot according to traditional sensibilities, but he does have something no other presi­dent had: he was our first. You never forget your first. Furthermore, if musi­cian Brad Neely is to be believed, Wash­ington had perfect hands. There’s some­thing attractive about a man with manicured hands. Even more than just being first and having amazing hands, Washington, as the “father of our coun­try,” is the ultimate candidate to fulfill even the most cynical American’s daddy fantasies.


Bill Clinton was, to be slightly crass, a saxophone sex god. Smooth and sen­sual, being cool has always come natu­rally to Clinton. He was also our most progressive president in terms of sexual­ity. Clinton was our only president to date to truly embrace the polyamorous lifestyle, and we are all lucky that he set such a phenomenal example for our country.


Abraham Lincoln: there’s so much to say. He was a snappy dresser, a wrestling champion, and he prevented a broken household from falling apart forever. Lincoln also was, I would assume, the most well-endowed of our presidents. Maybe I misheard his speeches, but I’m pretty sure he said “four score and seven inches ago.” Every time I see a picture of Lincoln, I feel like I need to have my pants presidentially pardoned.


Barack Obama almost earned the top spot. Few presidents — or quite hon­estly, men in general — ever reach the level of sexiness he possesses. The only reason he didn’t earn first place is that his pull-out game is terrible. Iraq can attest to that. However, he is easily the most physically attractive man on this list, and would do anything to please Lady Liberty, even if it meant using his high-tech toys: drones.


John F. Kennedy is America’s hottest president. No other leader was so sexy that Americans would just overlook faults because of pure infatuation. He exuded sensuality and passion, intoxicating the American people into a near stupor. Even to this day, his charm is undeniable.

Other Presidents who didn’t make the cut:

Trump did not make the list because there’s nothing sexy about being emotionally distant. Whenever people try to get close to him, he puts up a wall. Sadly, this is not something which tends to go away with time, and therefore he is unlikely to ever make this list.

I was asked why Benjamin Franklin didn’t make the cut, with his fantastical sexual magnetism and legendary promiscuousness. I hated to shatter their illusion, but I had to break the bad news: Franklin wasn’t a president. God bless the American education system.


Lucas Waggoner

Lucas is a PPE major in University of Washington Tacoma, and he is graduating with a Bachelor's in philosophy. His primary interests are philosophy, politics, and law. He is currently working as a teacher at a secondary school while preparing to attend law school immediately following graduation.