Top 5 Sexiest Video Game Men of All Time

What’s up, ladies?  You know what annoys me?  A while ago, I searched the Internet for definitive lists of the sexiest video game men because ogling sexy video game women all night began to bore me.  One of the lists angered me: The Number 1 video game man was Johnny Depp!  Technically, it was Jack Sparrow from a video game adaptation of “Pirates of the Caribbean,” but this illogical list-maker believed it counted since Depp’s likeness was used in a video game.

Relax your heads on my shoulders, ladies, and let your vexation dissipate.  The lists of sexy video game women created by boorish men do no justice to your sex. All sexy video game men lists on the Web suck.

Here is the definitive list of the Top 5 sexiest men in video games.  You’re welcome, ladies…

5. John Marston – “Red Dead Redemption”

     The old American West can’t tame this former outlaw, under pressure to kill his former comrades to free his wife and son held hostage by federal agents.  The scars on his right cheek reveal a troubled soul.  Though his face is scarred and withered, his brown beard and long brown hair characterize this gunslinger well.  His Duster Coat displays his cowboy stylishness.  The most notable aspect of John is his “Dead Eye” ability, which enhances his gunslinger abilities by slowing time.  The slowness of “Dead Eye” would be great on a date–it would be as if a great date would never end.

4. Jann Lee – “Dead or Alive” series

     With a chiseled physique and reflexes like Bruce Lee, it’s hard to believe that hamburgers are a favorite food of this practitioner of Jeet Kune Do.  His punches possess the power of a dragon, as the word “Dragon” appears in many of the names of his moves.  Unlike other Bruce Lee imitators like Fei Long from “Street Fighter” or Marshall Law from “Tekken,” Jann Lee gels his hair upwards into a sexy faux hawk, not shaggy.  His scowling eyebrows express his confidence in conquering any challenge, like the Dead or Alive tournaments.

3. Augustus Cole – “Gears of War” series

     This hunky former Thrashball athlete handles a Lancer well.  His biceps are as big as sequoia tree trunks.  His sense of humor and constant reminders of his glorious past as a Thrashball champion keep Delta Squad in good spirits, as they battle gruesome Locust and glowing, exploding Lambent.  Cole’s battle fierceness is no laughing matter, however, as he is able to tear into his enemy with his Lancer’s chainsaw bayonet without flinching.  His experience as a pro athlete benefits him: He can take cover, roadie run, and mantle over obstacles effortlessly.  The Cole Train is Number 3, baby!  Whoo!

2. Dante – “Devil May Cry 3”

     Only the half-demon son of the legendary Dark Knight Sparda can make hacking and slashing demons look sexy, every breathless swing of his sword “Rebellion” a choreography of triple-S stylishness.  The bangs of his white hair covering his eyes express his wild side and the rest of his hair on the sides and back drape down nicely to the bottom of his neck.  He’s shirtless in this game’s intro, hard to imagine that he eats only pizza given the eye-candy of his well-sculpted physique.  With Dante, this list is getting crazy!  Let’s rock!

1. Ken Masters – “Street Fighter” series

     The richest man on the list by billions, Ken’s long blond hair, black eyebrows, and muscular body clothed in his iconic red karate gi are as hot as his Hard Punch Shoryuken.  His cocky attitude contrasts with his rival Ryu’s humble nature, but one can easily forgive his arrogance because Ken’s rich–and hot.  Though his Hadouken shoots slower than Ryu’s, Ken’s Shoryuken (or Dragon Punch) is better at setting opponents–and hearts–ablaze, making him a better combo-intensive fighter than Ryu.  He has a cool-sounding name–sounds like a rockstar’s.  Cooking pasta is a skill of his.  But sorry, ladies, this billionaire/pasta chef/All American Martial Arts Tournament champion is happily married to an attractive wife and has a son.  So can you ever be his?  SURE-YOU-CAN’T!

 

Illustration by Danielle Burch

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