Invaders serve humans, for dinner

UNITED NATIONS–Oct. 27. There was a dominating society which valued technological advancement and wealth accumulation above all else. Their “development” was praised in their media and equated with “progress.”

Despite widespread protests against the short-sighted destruction of the ecosphere, their planet became uninhabitable due to the insatiable greed of a very powerful minority.

Luckily for them, their technology allowed for the colonization of another more primitive yet more hospitable planet—Earth.

Shortly after, hundreds of their huge dull-brown spaceships arrived, hovering over humanity’s greatest cities, China, NATO, Russia and the U.S. launched fighter jets to encircle the visiting ships. Only static remained as many pilots were cut off in mid-sentence when they were simultaneously disintegrated.

After the loss of our species’ combined global airborne defenses, underground and submarine-based ICBMs were launched. Control of their “tamper-proof” guidance systems was immediately taken over by the invaders and all WMDs were fired at the amber sun. With their velocity and sun’s gravity, they are ensured to have joined in the hottest fusion there.

The invader’s ships come equipped with silent, invisible, EMP-like weapons with a wide range. Simultaneously, they knocked out all human computerized technologies. Airliner pilots were forced to attempt impossible dead-stick emergency landings when engines, communications, and control systems were successfully killed.

Many of the pilots accomplished survivable landings, including Commander Eve Kronkite who landed Air Force One on the sands of the Sahara with no loss of life. The president had been pressing at a meeting with leaders of the African Union for another so called, “free trade agreement.”

Communicating via remaining telephone landlines, national guards are mustering all over the Earth, but the invader’s ground troops are well-shielded from our weapons. Every effort to repel the invasion has failed completely. A few alien casualties seem to have resulted from their own mistaken “friendly fire.”

Oct 28. The UN Security Council devised a plan to ensure the survival of our species, with unconditional surrender.

The invaders, which resemble nine-foot-tall shimmering bright-blue locusts, consider human brains a delicacy. They employ a technology that keeps the brainless body alive, working as a slave until they are ready to eat the meat (after the market for brain futures has been sold out).

The Resistance is calling for all able-bodied humans to report to the nearest outpost for orders. Propeller-proficient aircraft pilots are critically needed. Only piston-engine planes still fly.

Find a rotary land-line and dial 800 DIE SCUM to enlist.

Oct. 29. Though nearly extinct on Earth due to agricultural-chemical poisoning, common honey bees can infiltrate the body armor of alien troopers. A trooper’s heart stops within 30 seconds of a single bee’s sting. Calls are out to all farmers globally with bees remaining: “Bring colony-boxes to nearest Resistance outpost for emergency deployment.”