Satire: Is Santa secretly Jewish?

The winter holidays are typically used as times for families and friends to come together. With that in mind, I believe there’s an important question that we, as a society, have been overlooking. This holiday season, however, we must confront it. We need to ask the tough question: Is Santa secretly Jewish?

There are two vital pieces of evidence which can guide us to the truth. The first can be found in the Christmas tradition of leaving milk and cookies out for Santa. It has been such a long-standing custom that few people stop and question the reasons behind its existence. Cookies are far from the most iconic food where Christmas is concerned. Christmas hams, however, are emblematic of the holiday. So why, then, do people not leave ham out for Santa? It would provide more protein, and wouldn’t cause a sugar crash like milk and cookies would. It’s quite simple, actually — Santa is Jewish. As a Jew, he is forbidden to consume pork.

The next piece of evidence revolves around Santa’s suspicious arrival. He is nowhere to be found at any point prior to the Christmas season. With that in mind, it seems a little too convenient to be coincidental that the Jewish High Holy Days occur during the months directly leading up to December. Where is Santa during Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur? How about on Sukkot? He is clearly in the synagogue praying. It is also more than a little suspicious that he is always seen with his head covered. Perhaps Santa’s hat is his take on a yarmulke.

Now that the question has been answered, where does that lead us? As a Jew, we can be nearly positive he celebrates Chanukkah rather than Christmas. How can Santa remain the symbol of a holiday he himself doesn’t even observe? Are we insulting Santa by even partaking in the Christmas festivities? The question that led us here has given rise to even more questions that must be answered. However, for now, it is enough to know that Santa is a secret Jew. Happy Chanukkah, Santa.