Opinion: Of the racist and raciest, a recap of the 2016 election cycle

WHITE PEOPLE

Truly the belle of this election’s ball, white people have proved that the U.S. can have its own nationalist, antiauthority movement — just as long as it follows in lockstep with Europe’s. Now they possess a conservative establishment spanning all three branches of the federal government. Or at least they will on Jan. 3. But when white people get bored they tend to get tans, which brings us to…

ORANGE PEOPLE

He began the election cycle calling Mexicans rapists, and ended it with everyone knowing he was one himself. Still got elected. Bigly thanks to white people.

BLACK PEOPLE

“…You walk down the street, you get SHOT!” Mr. Orange said at an Aug. 22 rally in Akron, Ohio. While that might not be exactly how inner-city poverty works — and, in fact, black people might live in places besides inner- cities — Mr. Orange knows the answer. In a year plagued by scores of police shootings, it’s not recognizing the right to life of Americans who aren’t paler than a demagogue’s tan, no — it’s stop and frisk. That is, the thinly veiled excuse for racial profiling ruled unconstitutional by a district court judge. At the end of the day, the operative question is

“What do you have to lose?”

SYRIAN PEOPLE

This election, all kinds of Arab nationals, refugees and even Americans Muslims have been grouped together with the Syrian people in sweeping generalizations. In the second presidential debate, Mr. Orange himself pivoted from a direct question about islamophobia in America to fear-mongering about Syrian refugees, calling them the “great Trojan horse of all time.” You know, besides that one time with the actual Trojan horse.

PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MEN

Women have had a hard time of it this year — or perhaps just the same hard time that they’ve always had (Republican Party Platform, 2016). But despite all that, this election proved if you put in the time and work hard you’ll still be overlooked for the screaming manchild who got the job from his father. Truly, Clinton worked to be diplomatic, but strong; empathetic, but not a bleeding heart; and professionally dressed, but not unattractive. All her rhetoric about the glass ceiling sounds just a bit less passé when you consider that the not-too-hot but not-too-cold candidate still lost to the giant sexist windbag.

For women still walking that tightrope, things probably won’t get better soon. Many reproductive rights will likely get thrown out with Obamacare if not defunded with Planned Parenthood — and god forbid the new congress regulate abortion. Sorry to be so bleak in this paragraph — “nobody respects women more than me.”

PEOPLE EXPERIENCING POLICENESS

Highest kills to deaths ratio.

It seems the only change here will have to come from within police departments as well as Black Lives Matter lobbying at the state level. An Orange Justice Department is unlikely to move the ball much.

MEXICAN PEOPLE

While widely recognized as a generous people, the world was shocked when the Mexican government, bolstered by near-unanimous grassroots support, offered to reimburse the United States for the full $25 billion cost of its nearly 2000 mile long southern border wall. Then they complimented the proposal for its reasonableness before jumping astride their winged pigs and setting off for the skies.

LGBTQ PEOPLE

North Carolina governor, Pat McCrory is embroiled in one of the closest races of this election at time of publication after his support of the state’s “bathroom bill.” Partially thanks to North Carolina, these attacks on transgender rights have been sent from NC to DC. At the very least, a divided Supreme Court would likely replicate the same 5-4 decision in Obergefell v. Hodges that guaranteed the right to marry for same sex couples nationwide.

LIBERTARIAN PEOPLE

Spoilers!

GREEN PEOPLE

Measles!

NEWS PEOPLE

I admit I am somewhat biased in this respect, but I must say that news people have completely totaled things. If they had educated and informed voters well, as opposed to fixating on personality, campaign politics and likeability, “President-Elect Orange” would never even have been printed.

COMEDIAN PEOPLE

Appropriately, laughing.

EDUCATED PEOPLE

Literally irrelevant. Why am I here? Why even bother? If I would just buy lotto tickets and run for president every four years and I’d be set!

PEOPLE WHO ARE ALSO CUCKS

Bear with me for this one — you’ll learn something you wish you hadn’t. I first encountered the political usage of “cuck” when the insult was leveled against me for expressing progressive sentiments in a YouTube comments section. Cuck — short for cuckold — is the act of forcing a husband to watch while his wife has sex with another man. The fetish is most often seen in pornography where a white husband watches as a black man has sex with his (white) wife. The political usage emerged during last year’s primaries, with conservatives labeling Democrats as “cucks” (cuck classic) and moderate Republicans as “cuck-servatives.” In this conception, distance from white maleness is equated to progressivism and women and black people are thought of as betrayers. If it sounds like a slur, that’s because it is.

And so, this section is addressed to progressives in particular. Let’s not play their game. Don’t even accept conservatives’ premise of inherent gendered and race-based social structures. At the end of this election cycle there is, frankly, a whole lot of disgusting shit in American politics. It’s on us — brothers, sisters, cucks — to retain a firm sense of our moral selves to combat and eventually oust those who refuse to comply with modern morality. And in four years of a Trump presidency, I have a feeling that the cuck population will only grow.