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Alchemic academics: UWT’s new major

With a new spring quarter UW Tacoma has added another major for students to pursue.

With a new quarter beginning at UW Tacoma, new majors have been added to the catalog after weeks of debate among staff, alumni and the school board. In an email sent out to relevant staff and shared with some offices such as The Ledger, the latest major to be offered at the Tacoma campus is the Alchemy major which is to fall under various other science degrees and majors. 

Alchemy, for those unfamiliar with the subject, is the study of transmutation and, as is often the case, turning metals into different metals. While there is some overlap between potions work, runes and astrology, the new major will focus on the core principles as defined by the National Alchemic Association.

The new course of study will be offered as a major, but there will be a track of study for those interested in it being a minor. The classes will train students on the process of transmuting metals, the basics of alchemic circles and the beginnings of herbology under the teachings of new professor Dr. Nick Flamel.

Flamel is a certified alchemist under the National Alchemic Association and was recently hired as of Jan. 2022 this year. 

“UW Tacoma is quite excited to finally offer a major that really allows the students to explore and learn more of the natural world,” Flamel was quoted saying when asked about the new major, “I’ve been teaching alchemy for a long time, mostly in France before I moved here, and I’m honored to be able to join UW’s teaching staff.”

Flamel shared some brief visions on where he would like the course to be in the coming months. 

“We’re hoping that by fall this year we’ll have enough interest to really get this program going. A lot of our classes are going to start off theoretical due to some budget deficits, but we’re hopeful that we’ll get the interest needed to introduce labs and more physical classes.”

When questioning students on campus about the new classes to come, Ed Elric, an undeclared student focusing on science classes, was quick to comment.

“Sure,” Elric responded. “I’d love to play God. I’d probably be better at it, too.” 

Classes for the major will not be beginning this Spring Quarter and more information will never be available because this was an April Fool’s joke. This reporter desperately wishes it wasn’t, however.