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UWT campus to close indefinitely

For the rest of this year and possibly forever, UW Tacoma learning will exclusively take place online as proposals of selling campus property to private companies take place.

Members of the Washington State Legislature said remote learning at UW Tacoma would extend indefinitely, citing the city of Tacoma’s budget issues and the students’ health being of sufficient grounds to justify selling campus property.

Governor Jay Inslee and Tacoma Mayor Victoria Woodards stated they will be selling most of the UWT campus to private companies. Inslee explained further, noting that many companies chipped in to help the project take place.

“They gave us a lot of money,” Inslee said. “I mean, I can’t disclose an exact amount, but let me just tell you, I have never seen that many zeroes before.”

He explained what the rebuilt campus will consist of and spoke about the future shopping center’s possible economic benefits before claiming that the health of the students was a priority.

“It’s gonna be awesome,” Inslee said. “There’s going to be a McDonald’s, an Apple Store, a Walmart and maybe even a Best Buy but [the CEO] is still kind of mad at me about the whole lockdown thing … oh yeah, and the health of the students is important too.”

Inslee insisted that the project would pay for itself and that a major driving force for this project’s proposal was that it would save his reputation as a father.

“Do you know how much tax money this is going to rake in?” Inslee said. “My daughter’s turning 16 soon, and I promised her if she got straight As, I’d buy her a Lexus. Do you know how bad of a father I’d be if I got her something like a Hyundai instead?”

He then noted that some programs used by students, such as the Pantry, won’t disappear. Instead, he said they’ll revamp them to be more efficient and accessible to a broader range of people outside of UWT. 

“I honestly think people are overreacting a bit,” Inslee said. “Some programs aren’t going to go away. We’re just handing these programs to private businesses because they’ll be more efficient with their resources.”

“The Pantry, for example, is going to become a 5-star restaurant. It’s going to have caviar and everything. The library’s gonna be a nice fancy Barnes and Nobles, and the dormitories will be the new Tacoma Husky Hotel with swimming pools and extra amenities,” he said.

Students who don’t receive any form of financial aid will be sent VIP passes for these facilities. VIP members will receive quicker service along with free maid or butler services at the dorms. Students who receive state grants will receive slower service and are required to pay $1,200 a month to stay at the dorms.

“It’s not fair to the students who pay full price for college not to have some sort of advantage,” he said. “We’re not a charity here, but it’s better than a $3000 tuition fee, isn’t it?”

Inslee then told students not to worry, as some programs will still be in place. The Center for Equity & Inclusion, for example, will continue to receive funding but will cost students at least $50 to attend any events. 

The Counseling & Psychological Services Center, on the other hand, will expand its services by hiring more therapists and implementing psychiatrists, but will soon cost $80 per session. Only VIP students will have access to drop-in services, and their appointments will have priority over non-VIP students.

When asked about how social support services’ monetization correlates with creating a more progressive culture or addresses systematic inequality, and how charging money for counseling would help students’ mental health, he simply responded by saying that he supports positive mental health. 

“And by the way, I totally support student mental health, in fact, a lot of people tell me that I’m really good with the mental health stuff and that I’d make a great therapist,” he explained further.

“I even heard that lots of students like the idea of turning Birmingham Block into a Whole Foods, so I’d say we’re pretty progressive,” he said.

Inslee assured students that there was no corruption involved in passing these policies and that these companies will pay their fair share in taxes. Though he did not answer what exactly the tax money would be used for or if and how they would close the loopholes.

“They pinky promised me that they’d pay all their taxes and that they totally wouldn’t use any loopholes to evade them,” he said. “In fact, Jeff Bezos, who is a very good friend of mine, told me that if I sold him Birmingham Block, I’d be the coolest governor he’s ever met and that he’d give me a free Amazon Prime membership,” Inslee said. 

He then boasted about his relationship with Jeff Bezos, calling their relationship unique and described how persuasive Bezos was in convincing Inslee to sell government property.

“How many other governors do you know that are buddies with Bezos? Exactly. I absolutely guarantee you that anyone else in my position would’ve done the same thing; plus have you seen his muscles? They’re very convincing,” he said.

Inslee pleaded for more appreciation from staff and faculty for putting so much effort into making a better school. He stated that if things go as planned, the Bothell and Seattle campuses would also be next. 

“I had to twist a lot of arms to get this project going, and I don’t think I get enough credit for it, and I’m sure the biased news media will never report it,” Inslee said. 

“Students are going to have higher quality food, therapy, and entertainment because of me so I’m just saying that you’re welcome beforehand. Did I also mention in history,” he said. “So, if the stores make enough money, we’ll see if we can do the same with other Washington universities.”

Inslee wrapped things up by offering some inspiring words of encouragement to students.

“Don’t ever give up on your dreams. I’ve had so many people come up to me saying this idea is stupid, unethical, shortsighted, that I’m turning Tacoma into a Banana Republic and blah blah blah,” he said. “But at the end of the day, I beat the naysayers, and if you work as hard as I do, one day you can be as rich and awesome as me.”

If you haven’t figured it out by now, happy April Fool’s! This article was written as a joke. 

The UWT campus will not be closed indefinitely and neither Jay Inslee nor anyone in the WSL have talked about doing so. 

Jay Inslee did not say any of the things in the article nor does this piece reflect any of his views. 

The Ledger has not contacted Jay Inslee and is not affiliated with him or the Washington State Legislature in any way.