Arts & Entertainment

Bernie Sanders is going to Hollywood

Bernie Sanders — one of the leading candidates for the Democratic nomination in the upcoming Presidential election — announced earlier today that he is ending his campaign to pursue a career in show business.

The candidate took a beating in the primary votes held on March 4 — also known as Super Tuesday — when 14 states hold their presidential primaries. Rival candidate Joe Biden came away with victories in 10 of those contests and took the lead in the total delegate count. 

Sanders has since announced that he was offered a six picture movie contract from Warner Bros. Studios, and after some consideration has decided to accept it. 

“As a consequence,” Sanders said today in a press conference full of dumbfounded reporters, “I am suspending any further efforts to seek the Presidency and pursue my true lifelong dream of seeing myself on the silver screen.”

The announcement has stunned members from all over the political spectrum and corners of the media landscape, with pundits from cable TV news channels like CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and even the BBC providing their aghast reactions. 

Following Sanders’ address, the hashtag #ByeByeBernie began trending on Twitter. Of course, the event didn’t bypass the attention of the nation’s busiest tweeter, President Trump, who tweeted: “Bimbo Bernie couldn’t stick it out in the primary, must have known he’d lose BIGLY to me in the general election SAD!”

After Sanders ended his prepared statement, he opened the floor for questions. However, the journalists present were so shocked that there was total silence in the room that lasted at least 10 seconds. Finally, Jake Tapper of CNN managed to get out the query, “Senator, what motivated you to make this decision now?” 

“I figured since the last election had a TV star become a presidential candidate,” Sanders said.  “I could make the transition from candidate to movie star.”

Sanders’ answers to the reporters’ questions continued in this bizarre fashion throughout the conference, with comments from “reaching the people through politics has become much too difficult,” to “I’ve always admired Nicolas Cage very much, and ideally this can put me on the same level of fame as his.”

When asked about how this course of action would help accomplish the many goals he had put forward in his campaign, such as his universal health care plan, Sanders replied, “Health care may be a human right, but seeing me on the big screen is a human necessity!”

Warner Bros. released its own press release soon after, claiming “Sanders’ work in politics over the last three decades cannot be overstated. With his undeniable stage presence and dashing good looks, we predict that each of the films in his new exclusive deal will break box office records around the globe!”

The press release continued to proclaim that Sanders’ first movie will be an action vehicle with racing cars, likely to exist in competition with Universal Pictures’ “Fast and Furious” franchise. The second will be a romantic comedy, which Warner Bros. hopes “will turn Bernie into the hottest leading man in Hollywood!” They have additionally announced that as makers of the DC Comics Cinematic Universe, they are heavily considering replacing Robert Pattinson with Sanders as the new Batman as well.

Surprisingly, when Sanders was questioned whether he would vacate his Senate seat to embark on this new chapter in his life, he vehemently denied any intentions to do so. 

“I politically and personally identify as an Independent, you know!” he growled angrily back at the reporters. “I may have caucused as a Democrat, but I’m an independent through and through!”

Sanders then stormed out of the conference leaving an awkward silence reigning amongst the alarmed crowd. It was a curious sight, with many confused and unsure of what to do or say next. It all seemed like some sort of sick joke, and that’s because it is. Happy April Fools’ Day.

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders as he announced his withdrawal from the Democratic Primary.