Please! Somebody kiss me!

The month of October marked my twenty-ninth birthday, and though conventional knowledge maintains that with old age comes added experience and wisdom, I have yet to experience my first kiss.  The inexperience of puckering lips pressing themselves against my own has not heightened my wisdom of one of the rituals of love.

What does a kiss feel like?  I can only speculate, using what I know from watching television and movies and playing video games: Before the magical moment, my beloved looks into my eyes, her eyes shimmering with a radiant vibrancy, as if flames blaze behind her irises.  She gently pecks the sides of my neck with precision, tingling my senses.  I see a tiny pearl of sweat slide down from her forehead; I dab it off with my thumb.  She reciprocates my gesture.  My nervousness and inexperience cause me to sweat profusely.  She wipes my cheeks with the backs of her fingers.  She tells me not to worry.

Now the moment has arrived.  We wrap our arms around one another; our body heat rises like lava.  Our eyes magnetize, but then she and I shut our eyes.  Although we close our eyes, a type of extra sensory perception guides the movement of our heads.  I tilt my head to the left, knowing she has hers still straight up.  ESP inches my face toward hers.  We then connect our open mouths, and her lips suck mine to hers.  Her lips taste like fruity candy and possess the texture gummy bears.  My tongue inserts itself into her mouth with timidity, softly scraping the edges of her teeth.  But her tongue accepts me.  Our tongues braid like Chinese finger traps.  The humidity in our mouths feels slimy, yet enjoyable.  Steam hisses from our nostrils.

The pressure intensifies; the steam becomes too much.  Our tongues untwine.  I turn my head parallel to hers, and we both open our eyes.  As our heads part, a strand of saliva extends between us and droops like a hammock the further we get.  She and I then smile and laugh.

As you can also infer, not only have I never had had my first kiss, I have never had a girlfriend.  The women who are willing to befriend me only exist in video game format, like Chun-Li from “Street Fighter,” or anime format, like Yomiko Readman from “R.O.D.”

Sigh.  I need a real girlfriend—and a first kiss to go along with her.